I so need stronger medication, not having a good day of which I wasted other than being on here. I don’t like feeling this way angry and so sad with self. So many don’t understand and may think oh you are just faking, attention seeking, I wish I was that great of an actor. I can’t help it and this thing isn’t going away. I feel like one of those old Hollywood recluses that never leaves their homes, on difference is I am not a hoarder, however I have not done my laundry for weeks, why should I knowing not going anywhere. (I fucking hate pay laundry rooms as well, this one being the old ritual where only one dryer actual gives you enough air to dry and barely for heavy load, and the washer always sprays water on the floor for the sinkhole to catch) Not to mention I can never get in the fucking door with its code lock entry. Who does that? Give us a fucking key like normal people.
Tonight I was contemplating doing a Britney Spears and shaving my head, not like I have far to go sadly. I really should try this out with some facial hair I may be able to rock the look, i just need some guts which I sadly lack of. I fuckin’ hate my genetic marker don’t get me started there; What do I love about myself? I can’t even name a thing. To much to blog of there would be long list of entries, some other time perhaps.
I pay very little for this shit hole I live in; A few, who knows if genuine or lying people have said is cute. Given my problems in life cryptically vagueness described above its not helping me in life. Its dark, smelly sometimes (not the laundry) its basement sadly. At this point in my life how did i end up here, I swore years ago I would NEVER live in a basement again suite or home. I can barely stand to look at the green carpet and the green blinds I can’t afford to replace that make this shit hole even darker. I so need to move way beyond want but like that is going to happen with no income and help to do so, not to mention my price range and location areas are likely not available, shocker! Add it to my long list of things I should be doing now.
My stupid apartment is so old it has the bathroom attached to the bedroom and no main bathroom as if? I fuckin’ hate it, its not a luxury. Lets just say smells, a non working fan and the closet size bumping into everything when in there is HELL!
Now to the kitchen and same for bathroom flooring, the tile also has green dimond shapes embedded into beige, its hideous, however the problem is whomever did this lovely work made it so even months later since move in it is so shiny surfaced I can easily fucking fall down on it and be crippled for life, who knows, I should sue. As for the stove yah its new and white but there is no fuckin’ fan above it, is that even legal? I had bacon fire out of control once it was brutal, smoke everywhere. Due to the small space of this fuckin’ apt. the smoke alarm constantly goes off even if turn stove on, so I ripped that out of roof asap. If I die from fire so be it but doubtful as I hate the heat and at least one thing got right in this place and that was large windows. The slots where screens are though are taped in how pathetic is that? So it won’t be hard in fire situation to jump right through them if have to. I am good at breaking things as well!
Ain’t no rich sugar daddy coming to rescue fat ol’ me besides most think of me now as daddy, I just don’t have the money! Yes I have been fucked up for some time now but I don’t think a conservator ship is needed or anyone would do so on my behalf anyhow. Side- note from this sad talk: I kind of want Britney Spears to prevail and be kick ass judge on X Factor and not be thought of as Cra Cra’ anymore!
Enough mental illness talk, here is hoping tomorrow is better day, not packing it in yet all!